My enemy

Pain sucks. I've had minor and major pains in the past. A twisted ankle that hurts for a few days or kidney stones that cause a sharp, debilitating pain that no amount of re-posturing can make disappear until the stones pass. The pain from this cancer is very different. It's there in the morning when I get out of bed but slowly retreats to the background as I drink my morning coffee and stretch out from a restless night's sleep. It's mostly gone for the majority of the day, so long as take frequent breaks from my desk chair to stretch and walk around for a bit. Staying active keeps it at bay. Or maybe it's the sunlight.

I've decided that I should give it a name. Seems weird and strange but if I can name my adversary, then I can defeat him. Especially without knowing what's causing the pain. Lying in bed, unable to escape the pain and unable to sleep, my mind starts mulling over names. George was the first name that stupidly popped into my head for no reason. But he's not a George.

I reflected on the bad guys from the movies of my childhood and Vader quickly came to mind. That seemed to fit better - dark and sinister and foreboding. I could see Vader extending his hand to use the force to cause me to twist in agony. But Vader ended up renouncing the dark side for some small measure of redemption in the very end. And I can't see any last minute redemption for the cancer growing inside me. Then it came to me. Palpatine or Darth Sidious. The dark, shriveled, gray, ugly master of the dark side that could cause excruciating pain with just a wave of his fingers. That's exactly the picture of what I have growing inside me. Only a true nerd would name his cancer but for now, Palpatine is my enemy.

Almost like clockwork, he returns each evening. Slowly creeping out of his daytime hiding place with a few sharp jabs in that space between my left kidney and hip bone. I can almost hear him talking to me in some creepy Stephen King voice - "hey champ, did you miss me? I missed you." The jabs get more and more frequent - hot, stabbing pain in that same spot over and over. Now that we're aware of each other, the pain quickly spreads down my left leg, sharp and hot in my femur and then eventually dull and throbbing in my shin. We spend the evening and the night together - aching, cursing, stabbing, readjusting.

The pain meds take the edges off of the sharpest of the stabs but do almost nothing for the rhythmic throbbing. At some point, a combination of the pain meds and a muscle relaxer allow me to drift off for a couple of hours of sleep before I'm awakened by another stab. Another painkiller and muscle relaxer, 4 hours too soon helps me get back to a restless sleep for a few more hours. Wash, rinse and repeat.